Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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