Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
