I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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