I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
