I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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