Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
