ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
