i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
