hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
