last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
