Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
