at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize