Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
