He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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