I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
