Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
