my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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