I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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