if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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