How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
