I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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