Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
