My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
