I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
