I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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