I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
