Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
