mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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