Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize