I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
