I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
