I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
