Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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