If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
