Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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