I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
