They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize