Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize