I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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