I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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