It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
