How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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