omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
