Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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