Me too!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
