capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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