then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
