i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
