I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
