I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
