I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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