i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
