I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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