trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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