I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
