Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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