How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
