my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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