Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
