our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
