I heard we made out
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
