sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
