she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
