I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
