its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
